Thank you so much to everyone who has left kind and supportive comments. I read every single one and truly appreciated reading the stories of other people who have gone through this. Last night was a really hard night for me. I was here in the hospital by myself and just very sad. I’m still trying to process everything that happened. I tear up when I think about the baby that was growing that will never be born because he or she just implanted in the wrong part of my body. I feel broken when I think about how a part of my body, my fallopian tube, was removed from me yesterday. I feel betrayed by my body and don’t understand why this happened to me. I know it’s not fair for me to feel this way, but I feel anger towards other people who have never experienced this. I feel like I want people to know what is happening, but I don’t want to talk about it. I also feel a lot of pain, physically. I delivered both my other children with no pain medicine at all and generally have a really high pain tolerance, but right now I am feeling a really high level of pain.
I was really upset and sad earlier today and for some reason started thinking about this conversation I had with someone about last week. A gal was asking me how to change her bad habits and I shared with her the value of a gratitude journal. How keeping a gratitude journal next to your bed and each night writing one thing down in your journal every single night that you are grateful for (and you can’t repeat the same thing) can really shift your perspective and help refocus your actions which in turn change your habits. In today’s deep moment of sadness, I thought to myself that maybe writing out the things I am thankful for right now will also help shift my perspective. So here it goes:
Things I am thankful for:
-Thankful that we caught this ectopic pregnancy before it ruptured. Rupturing can be fatal and can cause severe internal bleeding in a very short matter of time.
-Thankful that although I was having light spotting on our vacation to Utah, I didn’t go into the ER while I was there. They would have discovered the ectopic pregnancy and I would have had to have the procedure done away from my home. We would have missed our plane home and it would have taken away from all the wonderful time I was able to spend with all sides of my family driving between Idaho and Utah.
-Thankful for the prudence and wisdom of my doctor here. I was seen by Dr. Sherman (who I had never met before) and she was wonderful. She was kind, and has a very calming personality. Both my husband and I felt complete trust in her. I am thankful that she waited to do surgery until the following morning. Had she done surgery the night before she would have been looking on the right side (where the first ultrasound showed a mass) instead of the left where the ectopic pregnancy actually was. I am grateful that she was willing to wait until the morning and get a second set of results.
-Thankful for all our wonderful friends and neighbors here in Texas. We don’t have any family here and our friends and neighbors have all stepped up and helped with my kids so that Sheridan could be here in the hospital with me.
-Thankful that my husband’s boss let him work from home yesterday and today.
-Thankful for my wonderful husband who, although I know he is hurting too, has just been so supportive and kind to me. He has taken all the phone calls and texts so that I don’t have to talk to people and has taken care of the kids solo each night while I’ve been here in the hospital.
-Thankful I was able to shower this morning. As silly as it sounds just showering and blow drying my hair made me feel more normal and less like the has broken mess I was feeling like.
-Thankful that I was discharged before January 1. My annual deductibles would have been reset and this hospital stay would have been much more expensive than it already was.
I still am really hurt right now and very sad. I’m just trying to process it all. But, writing out these things I am thankful for really has helped me feel better.
If you are just stumbling across this post, I wrote quite a bit when I was going through the entire surgery and recovery process. Here are the posts I wrote in the order they were written starting from the day of my ectopic pregnancy surgery.
- Some Sad News
- Avocado Tree
- Not Fair
- Life Goes On
- Thank You
- Grief is a Funny Thing
I’m thankful for you and your openness and vulnerability. I read your post yesterday and felt so sad, but could post no words of comfort because I know that going through this loss is a roller coaster of emotion. I think that when things like this happen we tend to stay quiet about them, I know I did. What you are doing is providing healing to so many others who have gone through the same loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope we as your readers can help provide you some comfort and peace through our prayers. Hugs and love- A
hey Natalie. Don’t appologize for your your feelings. They are completely normal! My miscarriage actually made me realize a lot spiritually. At first I cried out to God but then I realized I had some misconceptions that somehow believing in him made me immune to bad things happening to me. I had no idea I thought this way until i miscarried and it totally confused the crap out of me! It was a dark time. I felt so sad when other moms got pregnant or were due when I was. It just hurt so bad! Then I started wondering if there was something wrong with me etc. If I may point out one more point of grace in your terrible ordeal without sounding ignorant (I’m sorry if it comes across that way) another good thing is that it would have been another devastation to have discovered the baby was still alive and then being advised to terminate it to save your life. I’m glad you didn’t have to make that decision on top of everything else. (People who had no idea what it was like to experience a loss said a lot of stupid or silly one-liners to me, so sorry in advance if this is received like one of those comments!) I’ll be praying for you, the next few months will be super hard emotionally so I’ll pray He gives you strength and brings you guys to a place of peace. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you.
I just wanted to say that everything you are feeling is completely normal and all part of the mourning/healing process. Though, I haven’t experienced a miscarriage or loss like you, I can relate to the whole “don’t understand”, “anger towards others”, “don’t want to talk but want people to know” process. When I went through my delivery with my daughter I hemorrhaged and almost died. The recovery was horrendous. I didn’t understand why me. Why didn’t I get an amazing birth like all my friends? Why is this such a struggle? Then I envied everyone who didn’t experience what I did. I envied anyone who didn’t require an emergency csection, anyone who had a vaginal birth, anyone who was able to get out of bed an hour, day, week, month, months after birth. I was so angry at everyone who just didn’t know what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. I was miserable! I wanted to yell to the world how hurt and broken I was! I hated my body because it was a failure, it had failed me. But I didn’t want to tell anyone these feelings, I just wanted to stay cooped up in my anger and my depression and my mourning. But now, I’m thankful. My whole experience has made me the person I am today. I am the mother I am because of it. I cherish so much more in life than I ever have before because I almost lost it. I cherish being able to change a diaper, wash dishes, vacuum a room, because for so long all I could do is lay in bed and watch everyone around me live those mundane moments. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when we first enter that tunnel, but trust me it’s there. And your post certainly shows so much strength within your soul to already be thankful and trusting the whole process. God doesn’t make mistakes, my dear. And this is meant to be. It’s meant to shape you for so much more. Take all your feelings you have right now and experience them, live them, and cherish them. They are meant for you and meant to make you. Our whole purpose here on life is to experience life, and that includes all its miracles and all its tragedies. I pray for you and all your loved ones!! And I am so sorry for your loss.
I just wanted to say how sorry I was to read of your loss. I have recently suffered two miscarriages within a matter of months and know how devestating it can be, to feel anger and bitterness that it’s happened to you and that your body isn’t working properly. I had to have both of mine surgically removed and like you have never had any surgery before so it was very scary.
They were my first pregnancies and so we are still hoping that one day we will be blessed with the children we so long for, but I do believe we will have children one day soon.
The sadness and emptiness you feel will get better. Take comfort in the beautiful children you have and stay positive and maybe one day you’ll consider trying again and this time it’ll be fine.
Best wishes for a good recover and for the future. xx
Natalie, I’m so sorry for your loss. This year, the year I turned 30, I also had to have a hysterectomy. I do have 5 healthy children, but I also have a baby Angel as well. I can’t say I haven’t been blessed, but I have had a number of female issues that just couldn’t be resolved. My body gave out before my heart did. Yes, I have healthy children, but it doesn’t stop my grieving for the one I lost, the one I haven’t met yet… Your positive attitude and your faith is what will get you through! Don’t do what I did- I got depressed and I let myself quit on my health goals and on my positivity. Don’t do that!!!! You are an amazing inspiration to so many!! And I don’t know why this has happened, but I do know that God has a plan and a purpose and when you seek Him, He will show you where the light is- there is ALWAYS light in the darkness. And when you need to, reach out and borrow someone else’s strength for a moment. Praying for you & your family.
Thank you for being open and posting these thoughts and feelings. I needed to be reminded to intentional about my gratefulness.
Since i just had an eptopic, All the feelings you’re going through I relate to, it being so fresh for me, still.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Wow! Wow! And Wow! You show such strength even from a broken place. That is such Grace that God has given. I’m so encouraged by you right now. Thank you for sharing. I know this was not easy. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Hi Natalie, I dont know you but I follow you on Facebook. I have always found you to be so real and inspirational in your approach. I have tears rolling down my face for you right now. I too have had this procedure due to an ectopic pregnancy and a mass the size of a grapefruit. I lost my right fallopian tube as well. Your scars are in the same places mine are. Although its now been 8 years, seeing your post brings it all back. For me: this is the only pregnancy I ever had. Your scars externally will heal and you will barely be able to see them in a year or two. However you will always grieve this loss but I know you will be greatful for the 2 little ones you have. I hope in time you will be able to get through your feelings and if god is willing, be blessed with another little one to love. You now have a little angel in heaven looking after you and your family. God bless and I will be saying a prayer for you.
Sending you the biggest hugs! When my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family, never in a million years did I think it would lead to an infertility diagnosis. I never thought it would take what it did to eventually get pregnant. And a lot of your emotions – anger towards others who haven’t gone through what you have – are totally normal. There are so many fertility “things” (for lack of a better word) that bring up some nasty, at times, emotions. Allow yourself to feel those feelings – both the good and bad ones. I truly believe that we all end up stronger in the end because of the journey that we have been on. Whether it’s infertility, losses of any sort, etc. Stay strong and know that so many of us are praying for you during this difficult time. <3
Hi Natalie- My heart is heavy for you. May God give your family the strength to get through this trial. Take time to grieve and heal. Much love!
Natalie, you are a true inspiration and so humble. I am here to tell you it’s OK to have all those feelings. I went through infertility for 2 1/2 years before God blessed me with the biggest miracle (my baby girl) and I had those SAME feelings. WHY, WHY can’t I get pregnant yet all these women who don’t want babies, are having one night stands, and those that don’t care about the 5 kids they already have. WHY can’t I? I’m happily married, with a great job and ready to support this child. But God wasn’t ready for me to have a child at that time. HE just knew it wasn’t the right time. After taking a break from all that chaos of infertility, that’s when we were blessed. You are an amazing person. You have and will continue to achieve and will one day have that miracle baby. Take care of yourself and remember we are ALL here with you! Prayers and Hugs your way.
First of all, thank you so much for sharing your honest and raw feelings with all of us. Pregnancy loss is truly something that is not spoken of often enough (for many reasons) but I know from experience how much it helps to know that others have gone through similar situations. Although I have never had an ectopic pregnancy, I have suffered two miscarriages. Our first child was a “missed” miscarriage so when I went in for my first ultrasound at 10 weeks, I was thrilled expecting to hear the heartbeat for the first time. Instead, I saw the doctor’s face drop as she walked over to hug me and to tell me that my baby had actually died weeks earlier but my body had not recognized that yet. It can seem silly to some to be so upset over a child that was just weeks old and that was never born but a miscarriage can be devastating. I also know what it feels like to have irrational feelings of anger. I remember actually being angry at my friends who were pregnant but who already had other children because to me that wasn’t fair. Why did I have to lose my first one?? Looking back, I feel horrible for having those thoughts, but like you said, they are raw and true and what you feel when you go through things like this. Just know that you have such a large support group of people that love and admire you – people from all over the country that you have never even met. I will absolutely keep you and Sheridan in my prayers and I know many others will do the same. Praying for your peace and comfort!
Natalie. You are amazing for sharing your story. Stay strong and remember that there is purpose to each and everything we go through. I have recently left an abusive relationship to be a single mom of 3 and know how the pain if lifes pressures can get to you. Today is my sons 4rh birthday…we will be thinking of you and praying for ypur lil bean that didnt make it. God will take over babies life now and keep him or her for you to meet one day. Xox best of luck to you and yours for 2015 happy new year
Im so sorry you’re going through this Natalie! You’ve been such an inspiration to me and so many others through your postings and blog, I just want to say THANKS! I had a miscarriage in May, and It was devastating… Just to know there was a life you created , and no longer is. I remember being so mad and sad and just sobbing the whole way home from the ER. Life is so precious. Allow yourself to grieve as much as you need to. I still sometimes cry if I think about it and that was 7m ago! I will be praying for you and hope you have a speedy recovery!
Its so amazing to me that you are opening up like this and I hope it helps you heal. I can’t imagine going through that, and honestly last night when I read the first post about it I bawled like a baby for about 15 minutes, I’m due any day now and very hormonal (which I’m sure is the last thing you want to hear) BUT it made me stop complaining about being miserable, fat, and pregnant and be thankful, which is something I’m not a lot of lately. My heart is broken for you and I’ve prayed about 10 times since reading the beginning of this all. I feel like your my friend, I follow you on Facebook and the website and reading your stories/emotions has made me feel “close” to you, I don’t have any female role models and in the past 6 months you have became my #1
I hope everyday it gets easier for you, and I hope you recover soon, hold your babies tighter and know that so many women out there are going thru the same thing, yet have no prior babies to hold. God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle, he knows how strong you are. God bless you for sharing your story, and I look forward to future posts from you. You are an inspiration and a role model to so many women! We may not be changing your life but just know your changing mine/ours.
I know what you are going through and can understand your hurt as I also have an angel baby. To never know what that child sounded like laughing or looked like while splashing in the tub. It’s a hurt that no one can understand unless they have walked in those shoes. It’s something that may grow easier to think of but will never be forgotten. I send you thoughts and prayers for all the support you need to heal in however you feel you need.
I cannot imagine what you’re going through. I have never had kids, but it’s on my radar for someday, and I just can’t imagine the joy of getting pregnant and losing a child. You have such a positive outlook and are a great role model for others, I love reading your posts and your positivity in general. Only a strong person could take an event like this happening to them and find something to be thankful for. *hugs*
I remember these feelings. Our rupture happened 5 days before Christmas, 3 years ago. While time passes and the intense pain fades some, you never forget. Sending love to you as you grieve your loss of a baby and tube. Be kinda and gentle to yourself.
Natalie, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Thank you though for sharing this.
I lost my first baby at 11 weeks then became pregnant again with twins but lost my baby boy at 18 weeks. Thankfully my daughter survived and is a thriving four year old! I also have a beautiful two-and-a-half year old as well.
I realized after my first loss that so many of my friends had lost babes too but no one talked about it. I know not everyone wants to discuss it but I had to talk about it. I am so thankful for those who let me do that. Though I may not have those babies to hold in my arms, I still carry them with me in my heart.
Please feel ok about letting yourself grieve. Try not to let other’s insensitive comments get you down.
Love on your babies that you have at home. Let Sheridan be your strength and when he is ready, you can be his.
Though our experience was the hardest thing my husband and I have had to face up to this point, it also brought us closer as never before. We prayed together and he just held me a lot.
There is no time limit to the road you have ahead. Cry when you need to cry and try to remember all the wonderful reasons you still have to smile.
I know that many of us want to be here for you as you need us.
When and if you need that outlet please know that I would be glad to listen. This is not something you have to face or carry alone.
I follow you mostly on FB and am sad to hear the news. I know what you are going through (like many others here that have offered support). I know how hard it can be. I was so sad and fell into a state where I despised God and everything about it, wondering why this happened to me. It took me nearly 3 years to come out of that. I wish I was strong enough to realize that is when I needed Him most. The ordeal took its toll on my marriage, though we (thankfully) made it through, stronger now! We have not had any luck (no assistance, like IVF) in 3 years since this happened (Thanksgiving day 2011). But we are hopeful still.
The best advice I can give to you is hold strong to your faith, your husband and you family. Use your support system, don’t be afraid to cry and beat up a pillow, and DONT force anything and chart things to try and make up for the loss. That is mentally exhausting and ruins your sex life- I know. Just let it be and what will be will be. My best wishes and prayers to you and your family.
Love and prayers,
You can read about my ordeal from Nov 2011- Jan 2012. If you would like. I think you can relate and it always helped me to be able to relate to others during times like this.
There is no possible way for me to understand what you are going through right now, but I do want you to know how much I look up to you (and have for quite some time), and that I’m thinking about you and your family. By the way, you look beautiful even in a hospital bed!
You are very brave to share your stories with the world. I am one of your newest followers and I can say I totally appreciate your candor. I’ve never been through that, and can’t imagine the sadness that it brings, but I’m encouraged by your strength. In October I had breast reduction surgery that didn’t go so well and I’ve been homebound since, no workouts, no driving, no kid events, just me and my comfy couch. Know you’re loved and God’s got this too. Prayers for you and yours in the days to come 🙂
I love this post Natalie. To share such a personal experience with your followers is one of many reasons we love and trust you. My heart goes out to you. This was a devastating end to 2014 for you I am sure, but so many fantastic things have happened for you this year. You said you feel betrayed by your body, which is completely understandable. But on the flipside, your body and what it has done for you and what you have done for it, is one of the reasons you are where you are today. Not that social media is everything, but it’s taken you places you may not otherwise have been. You do have so much to be grateful for and we are all so grateful for you. What a fantastic idea to start a gratitude journal. Mine starts today! 🙂 Stay strong. You got this. LOVE.
My sister had her left Fallopian tube removed when we were 18 due to a 10lb cyst. She went on to have 5 children very easily. Four months After my miscarriage I actually went to talk to my doctor to talk about having my tubes tied because I didn’t want to deal with the devastation again. At that appointment I found out I was pregnant with my Elizabeth. Someone sent this to me after mine and I loved it so much and wanted to share it with you.
An Angel Never Dies
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
I am so thankful you are have gotten the medical intervention you need and can begin your physical and emotional healing. I have heard wonderful things about Dr. Sherman! Best wishes to you and your family as y’all navigate the road ahead.
Love and prayers to you
I think the anger is normal. I was diagnosed with endometriosis at age 19, and had part of both ovaries and one tube removed. It was a long, difficult road to pregnancy, I had a miscarriage first, but then 3 beautiful daughters. I remember having horrible feelings and thoughts when I would see a pregnant woman, and saying angry things about women who “accidentally” got pregnant and did not want to be. I am very sorry for your loss and your pain.
Oh Natalie, our thoughts and prayers are with you! You are so strong and brave and you will get through this. God bless you and your family during this difficult time
I have come across your story and just want to say how sad and sorry I am to hear what has happened to you. Perhaps I understand a little of what you are feeling as I’ve had an ectopic too. I’ve also had 3 miscarriages but the ectopic hit me the worst. I really relate to what you say about feeling betrayed by your body. That’s such a common feeling I think when your body has failed to do what it’s supposed to. I couldn’t help thinking of what might have happened if my baby had made it to the right place. If only it hadn’t got stuck somewhere it shouldn’t have. I felt mad-angry with everyone who hadn’t had an ectopic. Why me? It only happens in 1 in 100 pregnancies, why me and not someone else? Not that I would wish the pain of it on my worst enemy. I felt angry, sad, lost, empty and useless for several months. I didn’t want to go out and face people. I was a mess. But with the help of the ladies on the forum of the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust, http://www.ectopic.org.uk I began to write about my feelings and process my pain. I would highly recommend you visit the website even if it’s only to find information and not talk to people. I’m in a much better place now and I think my ectopic has made me a more compassionate person. Just in case any of what I’m about to write will help, I have conceived and carried a baby since I had my ectopic. It can be done! He’s asleep in the next room as I type! Although your chance of having an ectopic increases after you have had one, you still have a 90 percent chance that your next baby will implant in the right place. Although your fertility will be slightly affected by the fact you only have one tube, your fertility is not halved. Even if the bad side (without the tube) releases an egg, the good tube can swing round and ‘catch’ it. How amazing is the human body?! It blows my mind. Sending you huge hugs and hope for the future xxx
I’m very sorry to hear of your (and your family’s) loss. Although I never had an ectopic pregnancy, I had a heaping handful of miscarriages. Luckily with the help of acupuncture, I finally managed to get and stay pregnant twice! But I frequently think back to the many babies I would have given birth to. I felt so terribly alone, lost in my own sadness. I would read how common miscarriages were, but if they were so common why wasn’t anyone talking about them? What you have done with you last couple of posts will be so amazing for another mother going through the same. Your courage to be so raw and open is a blessing. Lean on those who love and support you, and take some time out for you. Time will heal many things, but it’s different for everyone. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.
This is so great! I have struggled for years with our losses (8 pregnancies, 9 babies) I truly do believe God has a plan for each and everyone of us and I do have faith but truly struggled to find closure. I’ve never thought to look at the situation in this light. Thank you for sharing and know that you aren’t alone in this! You have an amazing family and so many that have sent prayers your way! ((Hugs))
You are so brave to share your feelings, it took me awhile to share mine with others. As I wrote yesterday, I lost what would have been my third child at 11.5 weeks in July and still almost 6 months later I am processing what happened and dealing with all of the emotions that go along with it. I too was in a lot of pain physically, although I didn’t have a fallopian tube removed, so don’t feel like you’re alone. My body was very confused after for awhile, it’s still getting regulated. My hormones were crazy and I was an emotional and physical mess. I had days where I had clarity of mind and soul and where I was accepting and understanding of what happened. And other days where I was so angry at God, at all pregnant women, at people who hadn’t had a miscarriage, at myself. It is so hard to explain to others who haven’t gone through it. It’s not a process that really has a time frame or timeline or even a coherent pattern. The sadness and grief comes and goes as it pleases. Give yourself time and grieve. I tried to hold it in the first bit and be brave and like I had it under control, but I think if I had allowed myself to be more genuine, sincere, and honest with myself, I would be in a better place with it now. I am getting there and usually after I have a day or moment and cry it out I feel way better. Hang in there, it’s generally uphill from here. When you can rest and aren’t in such physical and emotional pain you will be able to handle and process it better.
God bless you honey…. God hears….
All of us, your fans, are with you in thouse troubling times. We follow you (not in the stalkish meaning) and we pray for you. Sometimes there is really a loss of words, even for the most eloquent people.
You may not believe or want it now… but it WILL get better.
your feelings are natural and real. you are entitled to feel what you feel when you feel it. your thankfulness is brave and sweet and probably very helpful to you. please know that i continue to hold you in my prayers and send (((hugs))) your way. be kind to yourself.
God bless you, honey, and each woman who has tried to comfort you here with the stories of their own loss. We know we cannot lessen the pain for you… there aren’t enough words or hugs that can do that. We ache for you, and humbly, sadly, want to tell you we care…
I’m so sorry you’ve had this sad experience. In the book Heaven is for Real a little boy has a clinical death experience, he experiences heaven, and talks to Jesus. He meets a little girl who he finds out is his sister. His mother had had a miscarriage, which he didn’t know about. He mentioned it to his mother after he recovered. She was astounded that he knew about it. She had been only a few weeks along when she had the miscarriage. His experience seems to point to the fact that when miscarriages happen that the baby goes on to heaven. It was a real moment of enlightenment for me.
I hope this might be of some comfort for you. God Bless You. I’ll pray for you.
Hi Natalie, my heart breaks for you -I speak from my personal experience of having my second little baby implant in my right tube and so lost my baby and tube too. This was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and I got to a pretty dark place and experienced huge pain and grief that overwhelmed me. I felt a lot of emotions all at once and felt so angry that this had happened to me. Fast forward 18 months, and I got pregnant with my little boy. Miracles can and do happen -my little son healed the painful wound that my ectopic left. I will always have the scar (physically and emotionally) but this helps me remember my little angel I never got to met and to appreciate my two gorgeous children I do have. Sending you so much love and healing thoughts right now xxx
I don’t think we know each other but we do know someone in common. Your post popped up on my Facebook page today. It new years eve and I’m sitting in my bathroom reading your story.
You are a very brave women. You most certainly connected with possibly many women that had similar situation happen and too afraid to tell anyone.
Sweet lady know this….your baby is in safe hands.And you are a blessing to all around you.
Take all the time you need to heal emotionally from this wound. You are prayed for. I am a Christian and I believe in this.
I am going through a miscarriage as well. I found out the sunday after Thanksgiving. I started bleeding 2 weeks later. I had a scare about it possibly ectopic 2 days ago, but they think that is unlikely. Mine is still being watched, but ever HCG draw and every doctor’s visit in a waiting room full of pregnant women reminds me.
I’m sorry for your loss. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say you want people to know but you don’t want to talk about it. It’s heartbreaking. Miscarriage/ pregnancy loss is it’s own special kind of hell. All I can say is, we will get through this. It WILL hurt. It DOES suck. But someday…it won’t hurt so much. And yes, gratefulness and mindfulness help.May 2015 be a better year for all of us.
Your friend as well,
I am sorry for your loss. Like many others here, I lost my full term first boy to a ruptured uterus, I had an ectopic a year later which the tube ruptured and they removed, a miscarriage 6 months later at 11 weeks and this year gave birth to my beautiful second boy. He is a miracle baby in all sense as he was conceived from the side with no tube. There are no words to describe the grief you feel. It is a journey, one that challenges your perspective on everything. You have and will inspire people to know that sharing your story is important. There are many people who don’t so much as have more than one person to share their heartbreak with, so you have given them an avenue to share, be heard and most importantly, connect and know you understand. I wish you all the heartfelt blessings through this journey. My husband always said to me, some days are diamonds, some days are stones, just breathe for now, the days will become lighter x
Praying for peace and comfort Natalie
I am SO sorry to hear about the loss of your baby, and unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel. I had a very traumatic miscarriage at just under 13 weeks about 2 1/2 years ago. Everything you’re describing is EXACTLY how I felt! Give yourself permission to feel however you do: angry, sad, broken, lost, confused, or whatever! I remember just feeling absolute sorrow, and I had never really felt that before. Following my miscarriage and along with my grief, I also developed severe anxiety and panic attacks, which is something I had never experienced before. I wasn’t interested in taking medication to for it, though, because I knew it was all in my head and all my own fears stemming from the miscarriage. Instead, I turned to focusing on positive thinking and reading positive, faith based affirmations daily. I also eventually put a larger focus on getting stronger physically. I noticed that as I got stronger physically, I got stronger mentally. These things helped me IMMENSELY in the healing process! (Let me be clear, that it was many months following the miscarriage that I began lifting heavier. I definitely didn’t do that off the bat as you need time to heal first!).
Another thing that really helped me was just talking to other women who have experienced this and hearing their stories. This is like an odd sisterhood that nobody ever WANTS to be a part of, but once you are, you realize that there is so much support there! It’s sometimes hard for our husbands or friends who haven’t experienced this to understand how we feel, but other women who have gone through it have been a large source of strength in my experience. I also realized that remembering the baby and keeping small mementos helped. For example, I have all of the ultrasound pictures and saved the small gifts people gave me. I also found a girl online who makes “soul certificates”, which is like a birth certificate for the baby. Here is the link for that if you’re interested: http://justiceforallcertificates.yolasite.com/. I also bought a very nice plain silver ring and had the inside engraved in memory of the baby. I wear it in between birthstone stack rings of my other two (living) children. It’s just my own way of remembering the baby and sort of keeping it a part of our family. I found that this is SO important for me.
I’m sorry this is so long, but it’s obviously very close to my heart and important to me. My heart breaks for you, but please know that while you will never forget this baby and may cry when you think of it, your pain will lessen in time. You also have MANY women out there who are praying for you, supporting you and crying along with you, as we know how much this hurts. I will definitely keep you in my prayers!
Natalie, I heard about your loss from a friend. I am so sorry. I have had five babies leave me too soon, and I did something similar after my first loss, our daughter Naomi at 18 weeks of pregnancy. I called it my blessings list and I still look at it, five years later, and remember all the ways God touched our family during that time. I lead a ministry now for other parents, Naomi’s Circle, and I write frequently about loss. I wanted to share something with you that may be comforting, I hope: http://www.thissideofheaven.weebly.com/home/dear-mom-of-a-baby-in-heaven.html. I am praying for you tonight.
I hope you are feeling ok today. I’m deeply sorry for your loss. I had an ectopic in August 2014 and never knew I was pregnant. I kept having sharp pains in my right side but like you I have a high pain tolerance. So when the pain would subside I never thought anything of it. I was rushed to the ER by my husband because I was in severe pain to the point where I was crying and about an hour there I found out I was pregnant. We waited for the on call ultrasound technician and it didn’t help that she was irritated because she had been called in, and as I was laying there I heard her gasp, I heard the baby’s heartbeat, and as the 25 minutes in there felt like an eternity followed by lots of silence, I was scared. She finished with the ultrasounds and told me she hoped I felt better soon and to take care which were the first words of compassion that I had heard from her at all. I was taken back to the ER to wait to an OB Dr to come in and talk to me about my results. I laid there waiting while my husband took our two boys to grab a change of clothes. I couldn’t help but cry and feel like I had done something wrong. As I explained to my husband what was going on and what had happened and what we were waiting for I saw that for a moment he was excited and scared because we had been trying to get pregnant for a while. Our oldest son who was 4 at the time overheard our conversation and had immediately burst with excitement that he was going to be a big brother again. When the OB Dr came in and told me it was an ectopic pregnancy and that unfortunately my right tube had ruptured and there was no alternative other than surgery my heart sank. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel. In that moment I lost all connection to my brain. My husband returned and I told him the bad news. I cried and he stayed as strong as he could but I could see that behind his eyes his heart was broken. I signed all the paperwork needed fr surgery and was taken to the 3rd floor. I waited anxiously as I had no clue what could or would happen. We prayed a lot and said our last goodbyes before taken into surgery. I woke up in recovery and was taken to my room where my husband and our boys were waiting. I’ll never forget our 4 year old say, “Mama, it’s okay the baby is in heaven with God.” Instantly I smiled and said yes baby you’re right, the baby is in heaven with God. Recovery after surgery wasn’t hard physically. But mentally and emotionally I was torn to pieces. I cried often and sometimes at random. I saw and still see the 7 scars across my tummy and the big one in my belly button and constantly think I should be __ far along now. My faith was never broken, in fact my faith has been the strongest it’s ever been. And as much as I wonder what that little bean would be like and if it were a boy or girl I’m thankful for what I do have and now surprisingly we are expecting. I found out in October we are expecting a baby in July. It was so soon after it was such a surprise and I still worry about what could happen, but I know it’s in God’s hands and he doesn’t do things unless necessary. I’ll be praying for you and your family. I hope that you continue on a healthy recovery and no matter what always remember it’s not your fault. God bless!