Thank you so much to everyone who has left kind and supportive comments. I read every single one and truly appreciated reading the stories of other people who have gone through this. Last night was a really hard night for me. I was here in the hospital by myself and just very sad. I'm still trying to process everything that happened. I tear up when I think about the baby that was growing that will never be born because he or she just implanted in the wrong part of my body. I feel broken when I think about how a part of my body, my fallopian tube, was removed from me yesterday. I feel betrayed by my body and don't understand why this happened to me. I know it's not fair for me to feel this way, but I feel anger towards other people who have never experienced this. I feel like I want people to know what is happening, but I don't want to talk about it. I also feel a lot of pain, physically. I delivered both my other children with no pain medicine at all and generally have a really high pain tolerance, but right now I am feeling a really high level of pain.
I was really upset and sad earlier today and for some reason started thinking about this conversation I had with someone about last week. A gal was asking me how to change her bad habits and I shared with her the value of a gratitude journal. How keeping a gratitude journal next to your bed and each night writing one thing down in your journal every single night that you are grateful for (and you can't repeat the same thing) can really shift your perspective and help refocus your actions which in turn change your habits. In today's deep moment of sadness, I thought to myself that maybe writing out the things I am thankful for right now will also help shift my perspective. So here it goes:
Things I am thankful for:
-Thankful that we caught this ectopic pregnancy before it ruptured. Rupturing can be fatal and can cause severe internal bleeding in a very short matter of time.
-Thankful that although I was having light spotting on our vacation to Utah, I didn't go into the ER while I was there. They would have discovered the ectopic pregnancy and I would have had to have the procedure done away from my home. We would have missed our plane home and it would have taken away from all the wonderful time I was able to spend with all sides of my family driving between Idaho and Utah.
-Thankful for the prudence and wisdom of my doctor here. I was seen by Dr. Sherman (who I had never met before) and she was wonderful. She was kind, and has a very calming personality. Both my husband and I felt complete trust in her. I am thankful that she waited to do surgery until the following morning. Had she done surgery the night before she would have been looking on the right side (where the first ultrasound showed a mass) instead of the left where the ectopic pregnancy actually was. I am grateful that she was willing to wait until the morning and get a second set of results.
-Thankful for all our wonderful friends and neighbors here in Texas. We don't have any family here and our friends and neighbors have all stepped up and helped with my kids so that Sheridan could be here in the hospital with me.
-Thankful that my husband's boss let him work from home yesterday and today.
-Thankful for my wonderful husband who, although I know he is hurting too, has just been so supportive and kind to me. He has taken all the phone calls and texts so that I don't have to talk to people and has taken care of the kids solo each night while I've been here in the hospital.
-Thankful I was able to shower this morning. As silly as it sounds just showering and blow drying my hair made me feel more normal and less like the has broken mess I was feeling like.
-Thankful that I was discharged before January 1. My annual deductibles would have been reset and this hospital stay would have been much more expensive than it already was.
I still am really hurt right now and very sad. I'm just trying to process it all. But, writing out these things I am thankful for really has helped me feel better.
If you are just stumbling across this post, I wrote quite a bit when I was going through the entire surgery and recovery process. Here are the posts I wrote in the order they were written starting from the day of my ectopic pregnancy surgery.
- Some Sad News
- Avocado Tree
- Not Fair
- Life Goes On
- Thank You
- Grief is a Funny Thing