Flipping through Instagram all I think when I see everyone happy and celebrating the new year, "I don't care - next person. I don't care about you - next person. You and your stupid happy family - next person. Constantly scrolling until I just have to put my phone down because every freakin person I follow is happy tonight (go figure - a normally happy person follows happy people).
No one told me I would continue to bleed and pass clots after the procedure....and feel waves of sadness every time I saw that reminder of what had happened. No one told me I would wake up at 2am sobbing but trying to do it quietly so that each cry wouldn't hurt my incisions more than it already hurts. Have you ever tried to sob while not flexing your core muscles, it's nearly impossible. Each cry is painful. No one told me that the gas they inject your stomach with during the salpingectomy surgery (removal of Fallopian tube and ectopic pregnancy) would leave you massively bloated for days and cause pain in your shoulder. No one told me I would gain ten lbs in the hospital even though I could only handle chicken broth for three days straight. I know I am retaining water, but no one told me I would feel so puffy on top of everything else.
I am just sad tonight. So, so sad. The baby that caused this ectopic pregnancy was a real baby - they saw the head and crown and stomach on the ultrasound - it wasn't just a cluster of cells. In this moment, I don't know what I believe about what happens when we die, but I can't stop crying when I think that this baby might meet us up in heaven some day. The only problem with this baby was that it implanted in the wrong freakin place in my body. In the Fallopian tube instead of the uterus. And now that tube is gone....they weren't able to save it and they had to surgically remove part of my reproductive organs. I guess I'm just so sad and raw about all this tonight. I never, ever thought I would have a pregnancy end like this. I'm trying to process it all.....and the sadness comes in waves. Sad that I lost a baby and sad that I was cut open all at the same time.
I feel sad when I think of my future pregnancies and how they will need to now be closely monitored at the beginning to make sure it's not another ectopic pregnancy, that is if I even can get pregnant - the rate of women who want to get pregnant after an ectopic and succeed drops to around 45-55%. That is if I even want to ever try for another baby. Right now, the answer is a hard no. I never knew going through an ectopic pregnancy would be so sad. I never, ever want to have to go through this again.
I'm annoyed that everyone keeps calling me asking how I am doing, and I'm mad at myself for feeling annoyed by that, I know it's because they just care. I don't want to be the center of my family's gossip and want to just give as little information as possible so they have nothing to talk about (guess I kind of blew that plan with these blog posts). It's immature and dumb, I know.
In my heart, I know I have peace with this entire situation, but I feel like I have all these sad feelings surrounding it that I need to work through. I hate feeling sad. I hate making my husband feel sad when he sees me cry. I hate that I can't pick up my kids right now because my stomach and stitches hurts so bad. I just hate that I'm so freakin sad. It's not how I like to feel.
My grammar is all over the place in this post. Past tense, present tense, probably a bunch of typos too. Sorry....
Yesterday's post was encouraging. Tonight's post is not. It's just my raw and real feelings and I find comfort in writing about it. It's scary when when I let people read these thoughts, and I'm not doing it to be brave or amazing like some had suggested, I'm only doing it because it makes me feel better is some strange way. In fact I couldn't stop crying when I started writing this and now I am in an ok place again where I don't feel so sad. Please no negative comments. You will be automatically deleted and banned from my website and social medias.
PS - the picture above has nothing to do with this post but I took it today when we went to the store for groceries after I was discharged from the hospital. My son in his superman cape, my daughter wearing her big brother's jacket with wild hair (dad got her dressed), and eating pickles from the pickle jar I hadn't yet paid for so they would stay calm in the store. Just makes me smile 🙂
If you are just stumbling across this post, I wrote quite a bit when I was going through the entire surgery and recovery process. Here are the posts I wrote in the order they were written starting from the day of my ectopic pregnancy surgery.
- Some Sad News
- Avocado Tree
- Not Fair
- Life Goes On
- Thank You
- Grief is a Funny Thing