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Flipping through Instagram all I think when I see everyone happy and celebrating the new year, "I don't care - next person. I don't care about you - next person. You and your stupid happy family - next person. Constantly scrolling until I just have to put my phone down because every freakin person I follow is happy tonight (go figure - a normally happy person follows happy people).

No one told me I would continue to bleed and pass clots after the procedure....and feel waves of sadness every time I saw that reminder of what had happened. No one told me I would wake up at 2am sobbing but trying to do it quietly so that each cry wouldn't hurt my incisions more than it already hurts. Have you ever tried to sob while not flexing your core muscles, it's nearly impossible. Each cry is painful. No one told me that the gas they inject your stomach with during the salpingectomy surgery (removal of Fallopian tube and ectopic pregnancy) would leave you massively bloated for days and cause pain in your shoulder. No one told me I would gain ten lbs in the hospital even though I could only handle chicken broth for three days straight. I know I am retaining water, but no one told me I would feel so puffy on top of everything else.

I am just sad tonight. So, so sad. The baby that caused this ectopic pregnancy was a real baby - they saw the head and crown and stomach on the ultrasound - it wasn't just a cluster of cells. In this moment, I don't know what I believe about what happens when we die, but I can't stop crying when I think that this baby might meet us up in heaven some day. The only problem with this baby was that it implanted in the wrong freakin place in my body. In the Fallopian tube instead of the uterus. And now that tube is gone....they weren't able to save it and they had to surgically remove part of my reproductive organs. I guess I'm just so sad and raw about all this tonight. I never, ever thought I would have a pregnancy end like this. I'm trying to process it all.....and the sadness comes in waves. Sad that I lost a baby and sad that I was cut open all at the same time.

I feel sad when I think of my future pregnancies and how they will need to now be closely monitored at the beginning to make sure it's not another ectopic pregnancy, that is if I even can get pregnant - the rate of women who want to get pregnant after an ectopic and succeed drops to around 45-55%. That is if I even want to ever try for another baby. Right now, the answer is a hard no. I never knew going through an ectopic pregnancy would be so sad. I never, ever want to have to go through this again.

I'm annoyed that everyone keeps calling me asking how I am doing, and I'm mad at myself for feeling annoyed by that, I know it's because they just care. I don't want to be the center of my family's gossip and want to just give as little information as possible so they have nothing to talk about (guess I kind of blew that plan with these blog posts). It's immature and dumb, I know.

In my heart, I know I have peace with this entire situation, but I feel like I have all these sad feelings surrounding it that I need to work through. I hate feeling sad. I hate making my husband feel sad when he sees me cry. I hate that I can't pick up my kids right now because my stomach and stitches hurts so bad. I just hate that I'm so freakin sad. It's not how I like to feel.

My grammar is all over the place in this post. Past tense, present tense, probably a bunch of typos too. Sorry....

Yesterday's post was encouraging. Tonight's post is not. It's just my raw and real feelings and I find comfort in writing about it. It's scary when when I let people read these thoughts, and I'm not doing it to be brave or amazing like some had suggested, I'm only doing it because it makes me feel better is some strange way. In fact I couldn't stop crying when I started writing this and now I am in an ok place again where I don't feel so sad. Please no negative comments. You will be automatically deleted and banned from my website and social medias.

-Natalie

PS - the picture above has nothing to do with this post but I took it today when we went to the store for groceries after I was discharged from the hospital. My son in his superman cape, my daughter wearing her big brother's jacket with wild hair (dad got her dressed), and eating pickles fromΒ the pickle jar I hadn't yet paid for so they would stay calm in the store. Just makes me smile πŸ™‚

UPDATE:
If you are just stumbling across this post, I wrote quite a bit when I was going through the entire surgery and recovery process.Β  Here are the posts I wrote in the order they were written starting from the day of my ectopic pregnancy surgery.

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54 Comments

  1. Natalie….now it’s time to start leading us out of depression and back up on our feet….tell us how you will help us all get back into our fitness routine by doing it yourself….

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  2. I am praying for you & your family. I am truly sorry for yyour loss of your precious baby. I pray your body heals fast & you will be able to hold your kids agian soon. Your husband is amazing & supportive πŸ™‚ The awesome picture of your husband & kids says it all. Thank you for sharing yyour β™‘
    With Love & prayers,
    KIm

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  3. I’m so sorry you had to go through this! You suffered a loss and you need to mourn. It’s also ok to feel annoyed by the phone calls, you need your time to process everything. I wish you all the best.

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  4. I went through something very similar a couple months back. I had been on the mini pill because I was still nursing my then 11 month old, no plans on getting pregnant whatsoever. Well I started bleeding like a period but it never let up, I bled for nearly 3 weeks. I went to my Dr and they took blood and called and few hours later and told me I was pregnant but that my hcg levels were really low and to come back in a few days to test again (hcg should double by then). Well I went back again and they informed me that my levels didn’t even come close to doubling and that I was most likely having a miscarriage. A few days later I experienced some extreme cramps and bleeding and when I called the Dr., they told me that I was going through the miscarriage and that it should pass in an hour or so and to come back in 2 days for another blood test. So I grieved. I cried all night and wondered how losing the baby I had no intention on making made me so incredibly sad. Then I went in for my blood work and they called me immediately after to tell me my hcg levels had increased significantly and to come in for an ultrasound, they wanted to make sure it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy. The ultrasound came back clear but they still weren’t positive so they had me come back 2 days later, yet again. That blood test showed a decrease and the Dr was certain I wasn’t having a normal pregnancy and that it was in fact an ectopic pregnancy but that because it was so early I didn’t have to forgo any procedure, they simply injected me with 2 shots in my behind to (in their words) “expell the pregnancy” and sent me home to grieve once again. I had to come back weekly for blood tests until it showed I was no longer pregnant. In my life I have never felt such a Rollercoaster of emotions. My husband was working out of state, I was taking care of my 2 children, and grieving the loss of a child was all way too much to deal with. I couldn’t help but feel like I failed, my body failed. And although worse would have happened if I didn’t get those injections but god it felt awful to know I had to willingly/not willingly end a pregnancy. You’re not alone, you are still whole and beautiful. Don’t forget that.

    I pray you find peace, because eventually it will get easier. And I’ll pray for any possible future pregnancies yours.

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  5. It is so, so hard right after you lose your baby. I don’t know if you read my other comments, you totally didn’t have to, but I miscarried in July at 11.5 weeks with what would have been our third child. I had to have a D&C because it wouldn’t release on its own. I didn’t have an ectopic pregnancy, so I can only imagine the added stresses of that, but I can totally relate to everything else you said. I promise that it does get better with time. I bled for awhile after mine and kept passing blood clots for at least a couple of weeks randomly, apparently the blood fills up inside and the body breaks it down into smaller pieces to release it. It broke my heart and took me back to the moment we found out baby had died in that room everytime I passed more blood blots. My first period was extremely hard to deal with too. Just remember that your hormones and body are all out of whack and for me that had a huge effect on my emotional state. My body is still trying to get everything back to normal and it’s been almost 6 months. Every period is still very hard and my hormones are still a little crazy. But each one has gotten a little easier to deal with and writing out my feelings and talking to others who had miscarriages has helped me so much. Let yourself feel everything, you must to heal. You will be in my prayers and thoughts. This society of sisterhood you have joined is one of the most supportive and loving because they have complete empathy. And I truly believe we will not be denied to be with these sweet babies again. I must believe that.

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  6. Natalie, my heart breaks for you. I, too, miscarried and was 13 1/2 weeks. It sucks! It’s sad! It hurts! There are no words that comfort. Just know you’re surrounded by 1000s of us that follow you, care about you, and many of us can relate to some degree. And YES…..your little baby is in Heaven with Jesus. I’m a firm believer in God’s Word and your baby had a living soul and is now with Him. I know that brought me comfort when I lost my baby.

    Praying for you…

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  7. Dear Natalie, oh my dear, I know exactly how you feel because just a couple of years ago the exact same thing happened to me. I remember being in a very dark place. And I was surprised to have such a big greive feeling about it. There is not much one can say in this situation, just “I KNOW”. But you will recover! Cry a lot (that helps) and then with time you will feel better. You are strong! Sending out big hugs for you, Karin

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  8. Oh Natalie, you have been on my mind, andd have prayer for you. It can be so upsetting to lose a baby and not understand, God has a plan for you. I believe you have already encouraged other through this and that those people don’t feel so alone. You are amazing! I’ve read past comments on support groups on this very thing. I’d encourage you to check into it. And maybe look to God and ask WHY God? WHY would you do this. Ask God to give you more peace and contentment. God is good and seeking him in this troubling and very sad time will give you some joy. I love that you can see all the GREAT things you have in your life already! AMAZING!! And to your new years bit seeing all the happy fun pictures, I say who cares…I was in bed bby 10pm and where I live we played in the snow nothing crazy!! just calm and realizing that nothing needs to be a wild party of fake happiness in a photo. πŸ˜‰ xoxo you keep getting strong and enjoy those babies you have now. You are an inspiration to the world! πŸ™‚

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  9. Natalie, I’m praying for you in this difficult time. I can’t help but feel that God has big plans for you and in time will turn this tragedy into a beautiful disaster. You are loved. #perfectlyimperfect

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  10. I want you to know that I care and although I haven’t experienced what you have, I care! While reading this I just wanted to reach in and give you a big hug. What you’re feeling is normal. It will get better! But for the meantime, this stranger, is giving you virtual hugs & keeping you in her prayers! HUGS! xo

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  11. I’m sorry your hurting. Praying for you and your family! (And I mean that)

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  12. Oh goodness I can so relate to not wanting to be the center of anyone’s gossip. I felt like a 2 yr old curled up in a ball having a tantrum…don’t look at me! When my husband drove me to my D&C, we pulled up to a stoplight and a fellow pre-school mom was right beside us. She saw us right away and was trying to get my attention. I all but climbed into the floorboard. Why? I will never forget that feeling. It was unlike me and very strange. She just wanted to give a loving smile? A sympathetic air hug? IDK but I couldn’t look at her.
    Don’t feel dumb or immature. Feel every emotion. Go through it. I wrote in a journal. I still cry (9 yrs later) when I read through my very real and very raw emotions. I apparently didn’t care for happy, smiling friends that went on with their lives…how dare them. I don’t actually remember feeling that way but I wrote it down, sooooo…
    Please know that your story is touching, not only me, but looks like many others, as well. Thank you for being brave enough TO share. Prayers from me to you for comfort and healing. I know it doesn’t change things but I hope in some small way, my prayers find you and wrap you in a safe and comforting hug.

    Love,
    ~C

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  13. Natalie, my heart goes out to you. I remember you saying that you believe in the power of prayer and want you to know that I’m praying for peace, quick healing, and guidance as you go through this journey. I have 4 children & 3 little ones in heaven and, though I’ve never had an ectopic, I’ve had laparoscopic surgery as well as a D&E and know the pain of recovery. My 30th birthday was preceded only a few days by surgery to “remove” one of these precious babes that my body wouldn’t let go of. I know how difficult it is to find joy anywhere. How hard it is to be around well-meaning people when I just wanted to crawl in bed and stay there indefinitely. I wanted to encourage you with something. I believe wholeheartedly that our babies are in heaven. I also know that I will see them someday. I have this assurance because I’ve accepted that Jesus died on the cross for me and for anyone who will accept him. I’m a sinner and he died so that I can live in heaven one day and hold the little ones I lost (Romans 5:8). There is incredible peace in knowing that; peace that “passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7, Proverbs 3:5-6). That faith has helped me get through the dark times and has helped me see that there is a greater purpose for my life. You are an encouragement and such a positive example for struggling women and I pray that you will find comfort and focus on God who loves you and can carry you through this (Isaiah 26:3).

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  14. Know that everything you are feeling is normal. You have suffered loss and you need to grieve. Snuggle your beautiful babies and take comfort from their little smiles.
    I too suffered a miscarriage. It wasn’t ectopic so they let me miscarry naturally, but that was like giving birth. I went from periods of uncontrollable crying, to numbness, to smiles watching my little girl play and then back again. It was definitely a roller coaster of emotion.
    Know that i am praying for you and sending you love and hugs.

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  15. What you are experiencing is right along with the grieving process. Don’t make excuses for how you are feeling. I’m glad you are writing your blog. I know what you are going through sucks to the core as I miscarried in October. Keep talking about it. Keep grieving and keep dealing with your emotions. I have been praying for you and will continue to follow you through this time. This is something that is not spoken about and you are helping hundreds of women through your words. Thank you for being transparent, real and encouraging.

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  16. When I had my miscarriage I remember running the whole range of emotions. I was sobbing one minute and kind of mean and angry the next. You have the right to be feeling whatever you are feeling and should honor it. The days after, I would do a “gut check” with most decisions. Do I want to talk to my friend? If yes, then I would if I felt I couldn’t do it then I didn’t and it changed everyday. I definitely couldn’t be around pregnant women for awhile. When I finally ventured into public , I found my friends often ignored the situation because they were scared and didn’t want to upset me more, but this hurt worse. I did lose a child and I was grieving this loss. So talking with moms who had been there before really helped. They weren’t afraid to talk about the raw real feelings and emotions that come with this kind of loss. It is a sad club that we now belong to and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. It does make me appreciate life and hug my 2 year old son a little tighter. Sending you lots of love!! The pain never goes away but it does get easier.

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  17. Terribly sorry to see what you and Sheridan have been and are going through. I hope the physical pain that you are personally experiencing will start to ease soon in the coming days. Sincerely wish you a speedy recovery.

    In terms of the emotional pain, I won’t pretend to know exactly how you feel. Of course as a fellow parent, I could only imagine how incredibly difficult it is for you (or anyone) to go through something like this. Keep writing. Looks like it’s already helping you to feel a little better, even if it’s for a brief period of time. There was a period of time when part of my life really sucked. I was a bartender at the time and I remember tearing pieces of paper out of the receipt printer by the cash register during slow week nights to just write. I wrote down every single thought that came across my mind; it was almost like a brain dump of my raw emotions. Most nights, I found it to be quite soothing. I’m pretty sure that I can still find these pieces of paper somewhere in my attic now πŸ™‚

    Between what I know about you as the “poker queen” when I met you/Sheridan in bschool and everything that I’ve read about you since, as the super mom, successful entrepreneur and a well established fitness/health trainer, I have no doubt that you have the strength to move forward. With that said, keep writing during the tough days ahead, whether it’s on the blog or a piece of cash register paper πŸ™‚

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  18. Love your honesty and courage to share your true feelings! I am sorry you are going through such a hard time emotionally and physically! As a nurse, I wish you had been given more information to prepare you for what you are walking through. Splint your stomach with a pillow (hug it tight) to give it support when you are moving, crying, sneezing, etc. I will be praying for you! Sweet photo you posted!

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  19. Dear natalie. I am sure it is helpful to release some of your emotions by writing it down. I enjoyed your thankful post as well, that was a smart thing to do! I am working on that…..not being troubled by what’s in front of me but remembering and praising god for what I have. Let’s do that often!! The good thing about us fitness girls is that retraining our minds takes discipline, and well, we know how to do that so we are already one step ahead. :). One thing I thought of that will hopefully bring peace to you is offering gods protection on you. I think it’s hard for us to see how much he truly loves us and wants the best for us, (molding and shaping us by allowing us to go thru trials that strengthen us–I’ve been going thru a couple trials….that is hard!) but also protection. We don’t see the big picture, but you can have peace knowing that maybe the eptoptic pregnancy was for the best. Maybe we can’t see what could have happened with a pregnancy, but just bask in gods protection, focussing and trusting on his love, that we only see a small part of it, when he sees the big picture and how everything works together in the end. Remember when you were thinking about what could have happened? Let’s have peace about that. (Hugs). Let me know if you’d like to talk or have any other questions! I think my email is listed. I’m here for you!

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  20. Natalie you are such an inspiring person to all that read your post and I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think it’s healthy to be mad and sad, you’re processing your loss. I wish you a smooth recovery from your surgery and I know you’ll be ok because you have that beautiful family who love and need you.

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  21. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 12 weeks, and with all of the bleeding and clots that passed, it made me feel like I had to say goodbye to my baby over and over again. It took me a few years to really come to terms with it. A book that really helped me through that time is Heaven is For Real. The movie just doesn’t begin to capture the things that the book talks about. The mother of the boy who the book is about had a miscarriage and he claims to have seen the child when he was in heaven. I cried and cried as I read it, but it was a healing moment for me.

    I empathize with you and it’s like when you leave the hospital, people think oh good she can move on with her life; they must be getting back to normal. I would think, “Well, what’s normal at all about this?” Feel your feelings and know you are not alone. Consider reading the book. It will be an encouraging way to fill your time and hopefully provide some healing as well. People who haven’t gone through it do not realize that there is much healing to be done mentally and emotionally. As much as the physical part sucks, that feels like the easy part.

    We had another child two years after the loss and I was terrified the entire time I was pregnant, but she was perfectly healthy and has been a huge blessing to us.

    I know you don’t know me at all, but know I’ve been through it and come out of the experience stronger than ever. That is my prayer for you.

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  22. Maybe take a break from FB/IG for a few days. You’ve been through hell and seeing new babies and sparkly engagement rings only exacerbates the pain you feel. Take time to feel all the things you’re feeling and know it’s okay.

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  23. Natalie you are allowed to feel sad and angry and upset. Its a very sad thing you are going thru. You don’t always have to be strong. Let others be strong for you right now. Let your mind and body heal and down thr road when you are ready to try for another baby then try. Don’t give up. If it doesn’t happen then ok. Look and the 2 beauties you have now! We are all human. We are all allowed to have bad day ugly days. Just because you are a health and fitness and a person who encourages others doesn’t mean you can’t be human like the rest and feel like you do now. Let your family, friends and us followers help you now, Give you strength, encouragement and hope to get thru this sad time! Very big hugs to you momma. Everything will be good again. Just give it time.

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  24. Natalie, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I miscarried my first baby after years of trying and I’ve delivered 3 healthy kids since that with no problems whatsoever. You will get through it, it took me a really long time before I wanted to even try again It’s completely normal to feel the way you feel. It was a roller coaster ride for me too. I did some research to find out when I’d feel normal again when I had miscarried. I know it’s not the same thing that happened to you, yours is worse by far, but the emotions are the same. Your hormones took a huge dive after and they need to level back out. The other part is grief and that will get better, it’s going to take time. Hug your family so often that they get sick of it, even when you don’t want to, do it anyway. I wanted everyone to just be quiet, if I would have heard one more person say I’m sorry, I would have punched them. I’m praying for you and sending hugs to you.

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  25. Anytime something happens that shakes me (injury, my miscarriage) I tell myself that I have 1 week to feel however I’m feeling & then I’ll reasses. Eat pickles, be sad, be sad, be angry, be you. This too shall pass. You’re a wonderful person but allow yourself to grieve however you need too.

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  26. Natalie, I just want you to know that it is absolutely ok to be sad. I think so many times we feel guilty for being sad, but it is ok to immerse yourself in that emotion. There will come a day where it gets easier, but for now, it is ok to be sad.

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  27. i went through something similar in June. I was mad and sad and didn’t want anybody to bring me out of it. Give yourself a couple of weeks to just be sad and survive. Love those littles as much as you can. I don’t think I could have dealt with it as well if I didn’t have my daughter to distract me from myself. My husband was wonderful and patient. My friends gave me some time then forced me to go have some care free fun, and that’s when I started to feel like myself again. I had to be reminded that I had to do more than just go through the motions. But it’s okay to just go through the motions until you can handle more. I sti get sad sometimes. Just writing this down makes me ready. The baby would have been here in a few weeks. Luckily, we were surprised in November and I’m expecting a new one in July. We hadn’t even decided to try again, because we weren’t sure we could risk being sad again. I guess someone or something else decided for us. Hang in there!

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  28. Know that you are loved. By your husband and kids, the rest of your family, and by so many like me who have never met you but to whom you have given hope and encouragement as we struggled through our own dark days.

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  29. Natalie I don’t know if you read all the comments but I hope you do. Know that’s it’s okay to feel sad and angry and disappointed. It’s okay to not be okay right now. Know that time heals all wounds physical and emotional and one day you won t be as sad and it will continue to get better but for now cry and be angry and get it out however you can dont veat yourselfup for the way youre feeling. I wish you peace and the most positive vibes your way.

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  30. Natalie,

    This post was the most meaningful and inspiring post I have read all year. I struggle with infertility. I have never and will never conceive my own child. For 6 years I have been poked, prodded and cut into and this year the doctors finally resolved that pregnancy is not in the cards for me. Most days I hate anyone and everyone who is enjoying the blessings of pregnancy and/or motherhood. My struggle for those things nearly ruined my marriage, wrecked my life emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and reeked complete havoc on my body physically. You’re comment about scrolling through Facebook or instgram and hating all those happy people basically sums up my life. I started following you in January of 2014 and nearly gave up because I couldn’t handle seeing your seemingly perfect life, with perfect kids, husband and body. It was just too painful. Sympathy and empathy are, so unfortunately, not common emotions for me lately. But I cried for you; ugly, sobbing tears, over the last few days. I have been searching for someone, anyone, to put their true and honest feelings out there about pain and disappointment. I have waited for someone to be brutally honest and raw about difficulties in life, rather sugar coat everything is hopes of being “motivational.” I cannot make you feel any better about what has happened to you, I wish there was something I could to say to ease the pain. But I know all to well that that is impossible. I am so sorry for your loss. But I thank you as well. Thank you for being honest and forthcoming about your pain. Thank you for NOT trying to be “perfect” by hiding the hurt and disappointment of such a tragedy, especially when you might feel that no one else can possibly understand. Thank you for being a real, feeling, honest person. I sincerely hope that your heart will find peace.

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  31. You are very allowed to be sad and angry and all the emotions you are feeling! Cry lots – it actually feels good in the end to let it all out. The only thing that helps the hurt heal is time. With time and prayer you will start to feel better and come to peace with what has happened. It never completely goes away, it changes a little part of you and something that you will always think about from time to time. It gets better but for now allow yourself to feel all those feelings good and bad! Many prayers and blessings to you!

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  32. Hi Natalie. I haven’t been following you for long, it was our mutual love of fitness, pumpkin, and coffee that is responsible for our paths crossing πŸ˜‰ As I read this post I feel that the reason is deeper…I myself had an ectopic pregnancy years ago around the age of 29. I was a single Mom with a 3 year old, living life the best I could. Pregnancy wasn’t in my plan at that time and I had an I.u.d. so I thought I was safe. Even though I didn’t want a baby when I discovered I had an eptopic, like you, I was a blubbering mess. I had a wave of sadness take over, and was scared what the future would hold. More than anything, someday, I wanted another baby. I also was admitted into the hospital and had to have surgery to remove the baby, and after wards had to also deal with emotions, pain, hormones and uncertainty of the future. Now 9 years later my 3 year old is 12, I am married, ( to a different man), and have a 3 year old little girl πŸ˜‰ Your children are beautiful, and in all honesty they could’ve lost you. An eptopic is so dangerous. What got me through it is knowing that I was still around for my little girl that needed me more than anything, just as your children do. I never comment on others pages who I don’t know personally, but hopefully you can find some comfort in any of my words. You will get through this, you will never forget, but it will get easier. You will heal emotionally and physically and will be at peace with what you have gone through. I wish you all of the best in 2015!
    ~Shirleen

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  33. Everything I think to type is so cliche (“God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle” – “Things could always be worse” – “Stay positive and know there’s a plan”) We are all trained from an early age we have to get back up, keep on going, bla bla bla! Who says? I’m glad you posted this and as you can see from all the responses, so are many others. Isn’t the internet a amazing tool to connect and be real? Thanks for being real. And here’s hoping your faith keeps you strong as you’re feeling so weak, then you are back to being strong that faith heals others to prove they too can overcome the dark places- whatever they involve. My prayers go out to you!

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  34. Grieving/anger is a part of healing. Peace be with you you on your healing journey.

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  35. Praying for you and your family. Prayers for your grieving and physical healing process. You’ve been such a huge inspiration to me. I had a missed mc a couple years ago. It’s a difficult time for sure. I hate to see you sad, but understand where you are at right now. Hugs and much love to you!

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  36. Sweet girl, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Everything you’re feeling is perfectly normal and you need to give yourself time to grieve, whatever that looks like. Yes, life does go on, I’ve learned this myself having a miscarriage this past Summer after 2 years of trying to have a beautiful baby. It’s hard and there are days when the pain is still so raw, but I am choosing to get up each day and choose Joy and believing that God is still good even in the midst of my pain. I am praying the same for you. Prayers for healing for your body and your heart. Holding you up in prayer, Hugs and love to you.

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  37. Dear Natalie, I just want to say how very sorry I am that you know this depth of pain. I’ve got 2 babies in heaven. It’s something that we don’t necessarily “get over” but it will get easier…I promise.
    “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18
    I am sincerely praying for you and your husband.

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  38. That completely sucks to feel the way you do. I recognize those feelings from the last time I had a miscarriage. I swear right after my loss I had no fewer than 12 different women tell me they were pregnant. Seriously? .. WTF? Can your timing be any worse? I hated them for how happy and excited they were. The hardest thing was to pretend like “oh, that’s so wonderful, I’m so happy for you”. I wanted to be happy for them but my despair wouldn’t let me. When we let people know about our loss it was met with no sympathy at all. Most people told me oh well, at least you already have children, like this third one didn’t actually count as anything. I had one person, whom I decided to let go from my life tell me, sorry, but women over 35 shouldn’t be having babies anyways. I had just turned 35, its not like I was 50, and even if I was, what an awful thing to say to someone in pain. Don’t apologizes for giving little information. It is your life and anyone that has a problem with that should just get over themselves. Its okay to feel the range of emotions that you have right now. It shows that you are human and you are surviving something traumatic. If you find you need to talk to a professional, thats okay, it is not a sign of weakness. Please seek out help if you get to a very dark place. I was close to it at one point. I couldn’t see the good in my life and didn’t feel like I had anything to look forward to. Hind sight I realize how foolish that is and it was depression of losing a baby and frustration of not getting pregnant again that got the better of me. Please believe that you will have happiness again. Life will be good again and shold you and your husband decide that a third baby is something you want, it is possible. Screw the odds and have faith that everything will work out. Life gives the strongest people the hardest tests. We don’t know each other personally but if you ever need to chat, vent, whatever, I’m an email away. Please take care of yourself. Sincerely.

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  39. Be ugly, be angry, be mean if you need to be. Your feelings are all normal and part of your grieving. Nothing to apologize about. People don’t often like to show their ugly but we all have our moments especially when in pain. Natural childbirth is empowering. The pain is productive. Pain from your surgery and loss feels useless and insult to injury. I understand. Let go of the “shouldn’t” feelings, guilt over your feelings and allow yourself to be very sad and very angry. The only way to the other side is through it. Being authentic requires some lows right? I trust you’ll make it to the other side because you have a lot of very positive coping strategies that will help you when you’re ready. I understand not wanting to talk to family even. It felt like, to me, almost a betrayal. That others wouldn’t get how serious a loss it was. Sometimes even angry at my husband. Felt a little crazy. Not anyone’s fault, everyone loves me, trying to be supportive. Bit by bit you’ll have spaces of normal. Those spaces will grow. Again, I’m so sorry Natalie.

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  40. So sorry to hear about your loss. I will be praying for you and your family.

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  41. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I can identify with many of them… feeling annoyed when people ask how you are doing, feeling like you are the center of gossip, hating people that got to have normal, uncomplicated pregnancies. Sure, they are irrational but feelings are rarely rational. Two years have gone by since I lost a pregnancy and I still harbor those feelings, but they have gotten better. So again, thank you for talking about this sensitive topic. The more I learn about other moms, the more I realize that being a mom is like being a warrior. We risk our bodies, minds, hearts, and lives for love!

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  42. Natalie – Like so many women who have posted, I too suffered what was called a “fetal demise” at 12 weeks in September. A baby we had been trying so hard for and for so long with fertility treatments was suddenly gone. I have gone through a myriad of emotions and even to this day I have moments of sadness and wanting to be left alone. Your baby was a part of you and your husband and you have every right to feel ANY and ALL of the emotions you want.
    I was talking with one of my friends about how things happen for a reason, even if we aren’t meant to understand why and how souls from Heaven come down and are born. She said that perhaps we had fulfilled a need for our little soul that we were not meant to know, that he was only supposed to be with us for a short time and now he is watching over us and preparing to watch over another child should we be lucky enough to have one.
    Know that your baby is watching over you and your family and you will see your little one again. One thing that helped us was getting a fountain as a way to have a physical moment of him with us. It helped with closure in many ways. I pray that you and your family’s pain eases with time and please know we are here to support you.

    Reply
  43. I have no words. I can’t imagine your pain. As one mother to another, my heart hurts for you.

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  44. I’m taking a vacation from facebook for awhile, but thought of you today so I checked this site. I am in tears for you, the utter pain and sadness is deafening in your raw, beautiful words. You are not being ‘dumb and immature’. You are living and feeling real life that is totally sucky right now. And you know what? tomorrow will probably be sucky too and maybe the next day. But someday you will see a glimmer of a sun ray. This is uncharted and I am so glad you are finding your typing this as an outlet for you. Remember, your body still has pregnancy hormones. All these feelings are being influenced by crazy, out of whack hormones that are very real too. I wish I could give you a hug, a glass of wine and some chocolate. Because that honestly may be some of the only things that help at this moment. Xo

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  45. Natalie,

    I posted on your blog yesterday and my heart is with you. Be mad, be pissed and be hurt. Anyone telling you not to feel that way- doesn’t understand. I know you are questioning everything (including God) right now. I have been there. It took me over 3 years to get over mine. It will always be hard, but it will be more bearable as time goes on. I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now, but honestly nothing anyone says will help you feel better. Nothing. It is a real pain. A pain you won’t ever understand no matter how hard you tried. The why will never be answered and that itself will cause you pain. But time will make things manageable. Don’t give up on whatever faith you believe it. Just try your hardest to push through. Don’t ever give up on yourself. Don’t try and let people push you into anything or try and push you into “feeling” a certain way…. But also don’t let yourself spiral (it is easy to do). Just take each day as it comes. Don’t look for the tomorrow, just get through today- everyday… Much love.

    – Katie Fulmer

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  46. Hi Natalie, I don’t know how I stumbled upon your instagram. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, usually I wouldn’t care about a post like this since I couldn’t relate…but strangely enough the experience you explained sounds so familiar to what I recently went through in the days leading up to New Years eve! I felt like I could identify with all the feelings you Explained. I’m so so so sorry for what you had to go through! I will be praying for you! Xx

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  47. Everything is going to be raw for a while. Be easy on yourself and don’t put any expectations on yourself for what you “should” feel or for how long. I am praying for you.

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  48. You are an inspiring woman and sister even in your dark moments! I had a miscarriage my first pregnancy, then a beautiful healthy little girl my 2nd pregnancy, but 2 months after having her I had to have 2 laprscoptic abdominal surgeries! I felt so many of the ways you do now. I havr always been an athlete and surgery was so foreign, why did all my friends have easy pregnanacies and mine where so hard? Ect…. it doesnt seem fair….But God is faithful, your baby is real and is in heaven now with Jesus and we can look forward to meeting them, but it sure makes you thankful for the beautiful healthy children you do have! I am praying for you. On a sidenote, i am a composer and when I lost my first baby I was crying and crying one night unable to bear it anymore needong comfort and peace but not finding it….and fell asleep, that night God gave me a song in my dreams I woke up and wrote it- it’s called “just wanna fly” my name is Jamie K. Sending you love and prayers sister!

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  49. Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and floating. Sometimes the water is calm, sometimes it is overwelming. Al we can do is learn to
    swim.
    Wish you all the strenght to overcome this, So sorry for your loss.

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  50. Natalie I am so so very sorry for your loss and for all of the pain that you’re in! Please take as much time as you need to grieve and to heal. You are a wonderful mother and wife! You need to take time to heal now. Don’t worry about anyone else. I’m glad that you are able to find healing through writing. So many women don’t allow themselves time to grieve and heal and carry even more emotional scars and pain for decades longer than they had to. I’m glad you have a great support system. Praying for your heart, mind, and body to heal. <3

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  51. Natalie my heart is so sad for you and your family! I couldn’t even imagine the pain and sadness you are going through. Cry as much as you want, lay in bed, let your heart heal. Know that sweet baby is up in heaven. I’m praying for you and that angel! Hugs and prayers.❀️

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  52. Hey Natalie. I’m a fellow Texan. I wish I could drive to wherever you areand give you a massive hug. You don’t have to say anything or do anything. Just want to wrap you up in love. Thank you for being real. This is part of your testimony. No need to apologize for any of it. Feel what you feel. Feel it fully. I pray that God will send you His overwhelming peace and comfort during this time. I pray that He will become very real to you and that you will rely on Him to carry you through because He loves you and He is faithful. My heart hurts for you and you will be in my thoughts and my prayers. Sending love and big hugs across the miles.

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  53. Thank you for sharing this. I am going through exactly what you described. The waiting, the grieving, the not knowing what was wrong but knowing something was and the doctors not finding anything. I had the methotrexate shot two days ago and now I am just in the monitoring phase. It is very sad too because I was told not to attempt to get pregnant again for 6 months because of the very high risk of neural defect or cleft palate since methotrexate metabolizes all of the folic acid in your body. Not to mention my now increased risk for repeated ectopic pregnancy. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year before this. I am thankful to know I am not the only one out there struggling with this right now but I am very sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

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  54. Thank you so much for these posts Natalie. After trying for almost a year to concieve, I miscarried last August and then was lucky enough to get pregnant again my first cycle after unbeknownst tonme. Turns out, that one was ectopic. What are the odds of that, right? The ectopic burst my tube and I bled internally for 3 weeks beforewe knew what was happwning and I had surgery in November to remove my right tube and more importantly my 8 week old baby. Like you, I have absolutely zero markers for ectopic. These posts have just put into words the exact feelings I’ve been having. Miscarriage isn’t talked about let alone ectopic and neither are easy. So thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone. I’m curious and need hope – have you had any luck conceiving since? Or have you been trying?

    Reply

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