This post is going to have a lot of information that maybe I shouldn't be sharing (physical stuff going on with my body), so just a heads up you have fair warning that if you don't want to read about the unpleasant physical side efffects of an ectopic pregnancy you should stop reading.
It's just not fair that I have to suffer through this. I'm not even talking about the emotional side, just all the physical side effects from the surgery. I hate it and feel like I didn't do anything to deserve this. I live a really healthy lifestyle, I eat extremely healthy, I don't have endometriosis, I've never had an IUD or an STD, I'm not overweight, I don't smoke, I am young.....I don't have a single risk factor for ectopic pregnancy.
I've been in a lot of pain where the incisions are, particularly the lower one where they pulled my Fallopian tube out from. They sent me home with some painkillers (Norco) and an antibiotic and the first night I took one of the painkillers I got a severe migraine. I tried taking one again the next morning....another bad migraine so I stopped taking them. I've been frustrated because of the holiday weekend. I was discharged from the hospital Wednesday at noon and my doctor's office closed early on Wednesday because it was New Years Eve, and then they were closed Thursday (New Years Day) and Friday because of the holiday and are closed on the weekend. I called their answering service and had a nurse call me back and explained to her that I couldn't take the pain medicine it was making me sick and she said because she is just a nurse she can't prescribe pain medicine and I just need to take extra strength Ibuprofen. Well, that doesn't help much. The pain is better today (4 days post surgery) but I was really struggling Thursday and Friday with the pain level. I have a high pain tolerance (delivered both my other two kids with no drugs who were each 10lbs at birth, never took anything for the stitches I needed afterwards, etc) but this week I was feeling a 8 or 9/10 pain level and didn't want to go back into the ER so just dealt with it. Not fair that I had to feel all that pain.
I am so incredibly bloated and my stomach has been so protruded and hard. Normally my stomach is really flat and muscular (this video HERE shows a video I filmed for Heidi Powell's blog just 3 weeks ago....you can see my stomach is normally flat). Here is a picture I took last night just standing relaxed (I couldn't flex or stick my stomach out even if I wanted to right now - the incisions are too sore).
I get that my body is going to be swollen for a while. My body is basically responding the same way as if it were stabbed with a knife three times in the stomach (I had three incisions for the surgery). But the bloating hurts. When I would touch my stomach it was rock hard. It's not fair and looking in the mirror looking 5 months pregnant is another reminder of the pregnancy that was removed from my body.
Sorry this is majorly TMI here, but I hadn't been able to go to the bathroom #2 since Monday. I'm sure that was a large cause of my bloating. When I talked with the nurse she said I should take a dose of milk of magnesia once in the morning and once in the evening and that should do the trick. I took 4Tbsp yesterday at 9am and 4 Tbsp at 9pm and nothing happened. My stomach was making gurgling noises and it felt like I had to go, but I just couldn't. I haven't been eating very much these past few days (just sad and not much of an appetite), but I have been eating enough that I should have gone by now. This morning I took another 4Tbsp and then today around 2pm I finally went and it was terrible. I ended up getting hemorrhoids from this whole experience (I know, I'm painting a really pretty picture of myself here for you.....one of these days I'll learn not to share so much information with the world). Going to the bathroom was so painful I started vomiting and shaking and getting chills right there on the toilet. I hopped into the shower which helped with some of the pain and just started crying. I let the water from the showerhead wash my tears away and tried to keep my mind off the the stinging pain I was feeling. Have you ever had Mexican food for dinner and the next day it burned when you went to bathroom? Multiply that by about 20 and that's how I felt today. I warned you.....I have no filter right now and this is probably way more than you guys ever wanted to know. But, I wish someone would have told me what to expect. Maybe if I was prepared for it I wouldn't have felt so mad about the whole thing. Maybe someone else who has an ectopic pregnancy can read this and it will help them prepare for what is to come.
I got out of the shower, walked past my husband and son playing Just Dance on the Wii and crawled into bed. I shoved my head in my pillow and just started crying, heavy cries. It's not fair that I have to go through all this pain. I didn't do anything to deserve this. If I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy I would be perfectly happy and fine right now, working out, and starting to film and blog for you guys ways that you can have a healthy first trimester. The emotional pain is one thing, but it's just so incredibly unfair that I also have to go through the physical pain of this stupid procedure. I'm still bleeding a lot (about 10-12 pads a day) and passing small clots (between pea to grape sized clots) which is my body shedding the uterine lining it was starting to build to prepare for a baby. I have a lot of swelling below my lower incision basically right where my pubic bone is, on the left side where they took out the fallopian tube. In the post-op room the nurse told me that they had to do a lot of pulling and tugging to get everything out and that I would be really sore from that. I look in the mirror and everything just looks so wrong. I'm bloated, swollen, cramping, bleeding, and in pain. It is so incredibly unfair.
Right as I was feeling sorry for myself and drenching my pillow in spit and tears, my sweet little 21month old Phoenix Rae crawled into bed with me. She is in a really fiesty phase right now where she always wants held but she won't let you hug or kiss her. She crawled right up to me and said, "Mommy? Hug?" and gave me a giant bear hug and even started patting my back with her tiny hands. It was so comforting and healing. As unfair as this whole situation is, and as dark as it makes me feel sometimes, I still am so grateful for these gentle reminders that I have a lot to be thankful for. She fell asleep in my arms and is asleep next to me as I am typing this.
I get it. Life's not fair. I know I might sound like a whiner and I know I do have a lot to be grateful for. But right now, I just hate that this happened to me. It's just not fair.
If you are just stumbling across this post, I wrote quite a bit when I was going through the entire surgery and recovery process. Here are the posts I wrote in the order they were written starting from the day of my ectopic pregnancy surgery.
- Some Sad News
- Avocado Tree
- Not Fair
- Life Goes On
- Thank You
- Grief is a Funny Thing